TIME FOR SOME STORIES

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TIME FOR SOME STORIES (10004 views)

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davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:54:06 am

EVERY GODDAMNED CHRISTMAS MY DAD AND MY UNCLE RON GET INTO IMPORTANT ARGUMENTS ABOUT POLITICS AND THE BEST AIRPORTS IN ZURICH AND WHICH PRESIDENTS ARE ASSHOLES IN PERSON AND THAT SORT OF THING. MY OTHER UNCLE D. IS KIND OF THE BLACK SHEEP IN THE FAMILY AND WE DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO HIM.

ANYWAY THIS ONE CHRISTMAS MY DAD & RON ARE REALLY GOING AT IT, SOMETHING ABOUT AFRICA, WHEN UNCLE D. WALKS INTO THE MIDDLE OF THINGS GINGERLY CARRYING THIS TAPE LIKE IT WAS A DYING CHILD AND LOOKS COYLY AT MY DAD AND RON AND SAYS "SO, I BET YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT SONG IS THIS!!"

AND MY DAD AND RON COULDN'T CARE LESS AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW THERE'S NO TIME BUT UNCLE D. IS ALREADY BREAKING THE TAPE DECK AND JAMMING IN HIS PRECIOUS TAPE. HE FLASHES US A SLY LOOK AND SAYS "I BET NOBODY HERE WILL GET THIS" AND PRESSES PLAY

IT'S FUCKING 'HEY JUDE'. 19 PEOPLE IN THE LIVING ROOM ALL SAY 'IT'S HEY JUDE' AT THE SAME TIME AND LOOK AGGRAVATED.

UNCLE D. LOOKS AT US ALL IMPISHLY AND SAYS 'NO'.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:55:13 am

I'M PASTING THIS FROM THE SMALL TALK THREAD BECAUSE IT SHOULD GO HERE:

ALSO A PRETTY SWEET STORY AT SCHOOL INVOLVING THE WORD 'CARROT'

WE'RE LEARNING ABOUT WEBER AND MY RUSSIAN TEACHER HAS AN ACCENT AS THICK AS MY CLASSMATES AND IS GOING ON ABOUT HOW SCIENCE CAN ACTUALLY PROVE SOMETHING WHEREAS ENGLISH OR ARCHITECTURE CANNOT.

SOME INBRED URCHIN IN THE FRONT ROW SLAMS HIS BIG HAMMY FIST ON THE DESK AND DEMANDS CLARITY.

MY RUSSIAN TEACHER GIVES HIM A STERN LOOK AND SAYS "SCIENCE CAN PROVE ZINGS ZEE GREEN GROZER CANNOT!"

IDIOT BRIGADE IN THE FRONT STILL DOESN'T GET IT. "GREEN GROZAY?"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!" MY TEACHER EXCLAIMS EXCITEDLY

"GREEN GROZAY? WHAT'S GREEN GROZAY?!"

"GREEN GROZER! GREEN GROZER!! HE SELLS THE GREEN GROZERIES!!" TEACHER RETORTS

"OH!!" A SMALL LIGHT GOES ON SOMEWHERE WITHIN THAT MISERABLE CAITIFF. "THE GREEN GROWER!" HE SMILES BROADLY.

THEN, THEN, AS IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH, SOME WRETCH OF A GIRL DOWN THE ROW JUMPS UP FROM HER SEAT LIKE SHE WAS BITTEN AND SAYS IN THIS POSITIVELY AGHAST VOICE "BUT CARROTS ARE RED!!!"

shithead posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:57:20 am

i needed this thread.

Eneweeeeeeeeee posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:59:53 am

holy shit - more

haveyourseizuresnow posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:03:22 pm

This helps my morning.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:03:49 pm

SO THIS ONE TIME I'M OUT IN MY NEIGHBOR'S DRIVEWAY WITH MY BEST FRIEND KYLE AND HE'S TEACHING ME HOW TO RAISE A PUCK. WE'RE USING A REAL PUCK AND HE'S STANDING ABOUT 15 FEET DOWN FROM ME. I KEEP HITTING THE PUCK AS HARD AS I CAN BUT I CAN'T RAISE IT. KYLE IS JUST STANDING THERE ACTING ALL SUPERIOR AND GIVING ME INANE ADVICE AND PASSING THE PUCK BACK TO ME EACH TIME IT SLIDES OVER TO HIM.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER I GOT ALL FRUSTRATED AND DECIDED THAT THIS WOULD BE IT - I WAS GOING TO RAISE THAT FUCKING PUCK. SO I WIND BACK AND TAKE MAYBE THE HARDEST SLAPSHOT OF MY LIFE. THE PUCK RAISES MAGICALLY. UP UNTIL THIS VERY SECOND NEITHER KYLE OR I REALIZE THAT IF I EVER DID GET THE PUCK IN THE AIR, KYLE WOULD BE IN SOME TROUBLE.

TIME PRETTY MUCH SLOWED DOWN FOR ME. THE PUCK IS A GOOD TWO FEET IN THE AIR AND IS MAKING A BEE LINE FOR KYLE'S DICK. I REMEMBER SEEING KYLE'S EYES OPEN UP VERY WIDE, AND I SEEM TO RECALL MYSELF SHOUTING OUT SOME OBVIOUS INSTRUCTIONS ABOUT HOW HE NEEDS TO STEP ASIDE RIGHT NOW.

KYLE ISN'T VERY BRIGHT, AND IS NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO MY INSTRUCTIONS. I CAN SEE THE GEARS TURNING IN HIS LITTLE BRAIN, AS HE TRIES TO COME UP WITH SOME SORT OF SOLUTION TO THE IMMINENT DANGER HE IS IN. "STEP ASIDE, KYLE, STEP ASIDE!!" I AM YELLING EARNESTLY.

KYLE EYES THE PUCK ONE LAST TIME AS IT FLIES A BILLION MILES AN HOUR TOWARDS HIS BALLS, AND AT THE LAST MINUTE DROPS TO HIS KNEES AND TAKES THE FUCKING THING IN THE FOREHEAD. KNOCKS HIM RIGHT THE FUCK OUT.

Anchors posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:06:36 pm

That is amazing.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:10:42 pm

SO I'M ON THE BUS FOR SOME GODDAMNED REASON AND I AM LISTENING CAREFULLY TO THE CONVERSATION IN FRONT OF ME, HELD BETWEEN THIS BLOWSY SULKY GIRL WHO IS CLEARLY DOMINATING THE SITUATION AND HER 'BOYFRIEND', A SCRAWNY LOOKING MESS NEAR TEARS. THE FOLLOWING IS ALMOST VERBATIM.

SCRAWNY MESS: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'VE CHEATED ON ME?!

BLOWSY GIRL: I CHEATED ON YOU.

SCRAWNY MESS: (SNIFFLING MISERABLY) BUT.. BUT.. YOU CHEATED ON ME?

BLOWSY GIRL: (ALMOST INDIGNANTLY) YES.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS FORMING) FOR HOW LONG?

BLOWSY GIRL: (WITH A HINT OF SATISFACTION) ABOUT A YEAR.

SCRAWNY MESS: (TEARS WELLING UP) OHHHHH NOOOO.

SCRAWNY MESS PAUSES TO REFLECT. THE BOY IS A VERITABLE DISTILLERY AT THIS POINT AND YOU CAN JUST TELL SOME SORT OF ULTIMATUM IS COMING. HE MASTERS HIS EMOTIONS AND BECOMES VERY STILL. I AM EXPECTING HIM TO GET ALL KUNG FU ON THIS GIRL. INSTEAD HE TURNS TO HER, WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES AND SAYS "STRIKE ONE, NANCY... STRIKE ONE."

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:12:00 pm

I ALSO POSTED THIS IN THE SMALL TALK THREAD BUT IT SHOULD GO HERE:

SO IT'S CHRISTMAS AND MY FAMILY IS PLAYING 'SCATTERGORIES' AND EVERYONE IS DRUNK, ESPECIALLY MY STEP-UNCLE RICK. HE'S JUST RAVING DRUNK. IT'S CRAZY. SOMEONE ROLLS THE LETTER 'F' AND WE ALL SPEND 2 MINUTES TRYING TO FILL OUT THE BLANKS. THE TIMER DINGS AND WE GO AROUND TELLING EACH OTHER OUR ANSWERS.

THE FIRST CATEGORY IS 'VEGETABLE'. WE ALL GO AROUND AND WE GET TO DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK WHO LOOKS AT US ALL SMUGLY, DIGS UP THIS WIDE GRIN, AND THEN SAYS "FUCKING CARROTS!! BAHABDIUAGHF(*PA#HIOH BHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" AND LAUGHS LIKE A GODDAMNED DEMON KING FOR NEARLY A FULL MINUTE. ONCE HE'S SETTLED DOWN WE MOVE ON. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS 'THINGS YOU FIND ON THE BEACH' OR SOMETHING, AND WHEN WE GET TO RICK AGAIN WE ARE GIVEN THIS CONSPIRATORIAL WINK AND NOD, AND THEN HE SCREAMS OUT "FUCKING TOWELS, MAN!!! BBAHAHAHAHHAHA UAHDIUAHIUHAIUH AHAHAHAHAHA" AND AGAIN WE ARE UNNERVED BY HIS CRAZED LUNATIC LAUGHTER.

THIS GOES ON FOR SEVERAL ROUNDS! IT GETS TIRED REALLY QUICKLY! FINALLY, AROUND ROUND 7 OR 8 WE GET TO THE CATEGORY 'OCCUPATION'. WE GO AROUND AND GIVE EACH OTHER LOOKS OF DREAD AS DRUNK RICK'S TURN APPROACHES. FINALLY IT'S HIS TURN. WE BRACE OURSELVES FOR THE INEVITABLE 'FUCKING DOCTOR, MAN!!' OR 'FUCKING BUS DRIVER SHIT YEAH!!'. THE TENSION IS TERRIFIC. DRUNK STEP-UNCLE RICK CLEARS HIS THROAT, SHOOTS US A MANIACLE LOOK, AND THEN SAYS QUIETLY AND CALMY 'forensic scientist' AND THEN GIVES A CALM NOD TO THE PERSON ON HIS LEFT.

HE THEN GETS UP, WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN, AND FALLS DOWN ALL THE STAIRS INTO THE BASEMENT AND PASSES OUT.

mcduffster posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:13:35 pm

excellent thread, i like the caps

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:17:31 pm

SO WE'RE IN KANSAS CITY ON TOUR AND I CALL MY MOM AND I'M LIKE "MOM I'M IN WICHITA, THIS IS WHERE YOU GREW UP!!" AND MY MOM'S LIKE "YEAH IT'S NICE ISN'T IT? TALK TO THE PEOPLE, THEY'RE REALLY FRIENDLY!"

SO THEN I GO TO THE DOLLAR STORE TO SEE IF I CAN SCORE SOME FOOD BECAUSE I'M ON TOUR AND THEREFORE POOR AS ALL HELL AND I WITNESS THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION BETWEEN THIS LARGE, LAZY MAN OPERATING THE CASH REGISTER, AND THIS SHRIVELLED, WITHERED HUSK OF AN WOMAN, WHO IS SCREECHING AT EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT. SHE TURNS THE BRUNT OF HER FORCE ONTO THE IMMOVABLE LAZY MAN.

"I WANT TO BUY THREE CANS OF THIS TOMATO SAUCE BUT THERE'S ONLY ONE HERE. CHECK IN THE BACK!"

THE IMMOBILE MAN LOOKS UTTERLY BORED. "I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY IN THE BACK."

THE SHRILL OCTOGENARIAN DOESN'T SKIP A BEAT: "WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "THINK". GO CHECK! GO CHECK!"

THE LAZY LARGE MAN CASTS HER A GLANCE OF SLIGHT REPROVE: "I AIN'T CHECKIN'."

THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR OUR ANTAGONIST, OR POSSIBLY PROTAGONIST. SHE CLEARS HER THROAT AND SHRIEKS LIKE A BANSHEE: "WHAT IF I WANTED TO BUY A HUNDRED CANS!!!!!!!1"

THE LARGE MAN LOOKS AT THE WOMAN DISDAINFULLY AND SAYS WITH THE FIRST HINT OF A SOUTHERN ACCENT "WELL AH KNOW WE DON'T GOT A HUNDRED CANS IN THE BACK!"

Alice posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:26:20 pm

A+

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:38:31 pm

SO JENN AND I ARE DRIVING THROUGH MICHIGAN WHICH IS KIND OF A DREARY STATE AND WE STOP IN SOME SMALL VILLAGE OR POSSIBLY BOOM TOWN WHO KNOWS AND LOOK FOR FOOD. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL I'M GOING TO FIND ANYTHING VEGAN SO I THROW IN THE TOWEL AND GET PREPARED TO EAT A SWEET GLASS OF WATER AND MAYBE A SALAD IF I'M LUCKY. WE GO TO THE NEAREST PLACE, WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THIS COMPLETELY RAMSHACKLED HUT. THERE IS THICK BLACK SMOKE POURING OUT OF A HOLE IN THE CORRUGATED IRON ROOF AND SWEARS COMING FROM INSIDE. A LARGE SIGN ADVERTISING A 60 OUNCE STEAK IS PEELING FROM ABOVE THE DOOR. THERE IS SOME SORT OF GREASE POOLING NEAR MY FEET. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN ADVENTURE!

SO JENN AND I WALK IN AND IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. WHAT I ASSUME TO BE A CONVICTED FELON IS STANDING BEHIND THE BAR, YELLING OBSCENITIES AT THE COOK IN THE BACK, AN EQUALLY REPREHENSIBLE OAF WHOSE OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG MULLET IS SWEEPING OVER ALL THE FOOD.

I STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND TRY MY HAND AT CONVERSATION. "DO YOU HAVE A MENU?"

"NO MENU."

I SWING AGAIN "OKAY, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT?"

THIS TIME THE COOK IN THE BACK TURNS A BEERY EYE ON ME. "WHAT DOES THAT KID WANT?"

"HE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE HAVE ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MEAT"

THE COOK TURNS TO ME "YEAH OF COURSE! WE HAVE FAUX-TURKEY AND MOCK CHICKEN, AND WE ALSO HAVE TOFU SCRAMBLER!"

THIS KNOCKS ME FOR A LOOP. TURNS OUT THIS PLACE HAS A TON OF VEGAN SHIT. JENN & I ORDER A BUNCH OF FOOD TO GO. AS I WALK OUT OF THE BUILDING THE COOK SHOUTS OUT AFTER ME "DON'T FORGET YOU CAN ORDER FROM US ONLINE!!!"

Anchors posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:39:22 pm

Al!ce posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 12:26:20 pm
A+

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:39:56 pm

SO I'M HANGING OUT IN THE BASEMENT READING AND MY DAD COMES DOWNSTAIRS AND HE LOOKS AT ME AND HE SAYS "DANGER POINT!! YOU LEFT THE OVEN ON!" AND I'M ALL LIKE "DANGER POINT?"

lazy shell posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:41:23 pm

the caps make me feel like i'm running really fast with dave and he is yelling to me because you have to yell when you run and when you do it always sounds super important.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:52:32 pm

RIGHT SO IT'S KINDERGARTEN AND IT'S SPRING AND EVERYTHING IS THAWING AND MUDDY. AND ALL THE KIDS HAVE THOSE RUBBER BOOTS THAT GO UP TO OUR WAISTS. THE THING TO DO IN THE MORNING BEFORE CLASS STARTS IS TO FIND A BUDDY, GO FIND A NICE SOFT MUDDY SPOT IN THE PLAYGROUND SOMEWHERE, FACE YOUR FRIEND AND START SQUISHING YOUR WAY DOWN IN THE MUD UNTIL IT'S ALMOST UP TO YOUR WAIST.

WE DID THIS BECAUSE IT WAS FUN. SO KYLE AND I ARE FACING EACH OTHER AND BOGGING OUR WAY DOWN IN THIS MUD PUDDLE. WE GET IT ALMOST TO THE POINT WHERE THE MUD WILL START TO SEEP INTO OUR RUBBER BOOTS. I LOOK AT KYLE AND SAY "HEY KYLE, CAN YOU DO THIS?!" AND I TAKE MY FOOT OUT OF THE BOOT, WIGGLE MY LITTLE SOCKED TOES IN THE SPRING AIR FOR A FEW SECONDS, AND PUT MY LEG BACK IN MY BOOT, WHICH IS FIRMLY LODGED IN MUD.

"YES I CAN!!" KYLE SHOUTS BACK AT ME DESPITE ME BEING ONLY A FOOT AWAY FROM HIM. KYLE TAKES HIS FOOT OUT OF HIS BOOT AND IMMEDIATLY FALLS BACKWARDS INTO THE MUD. BECAUSE ONE LEG IS STILL IN THE BOOT HE IS KIND OF PINNED. THE SUCTION FROM THE MUD IS TOO MUCH FOR HIM TO SIT UP, AND HE CAN'T TURN OVER BECAUSE HIS LEG IS STUCK IN THE BOOT.

THE BELL RINGS AND I LEAVE HIM THERE FOR SOME REASON. IT'S MONDAY MORNING SO WE HAVE ASSEMBLY. THE WHOLE SCHOOL SITS IN THE GYM AND WE SING 'OH CANADA'. OUR PRINCIPAL, WHOSE NAME IS HONEST TO GOD 'MRS. HEGGINBOTTOM' SAYS 'GOOD MORNING STUDENTS' AND THEN WE ALL SAY 'GOOD MORNING MRS. HEGGINBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOMBOTTOM' BECAUSE NOBODY CAN GET IT IN SYNC AND SOME KIDS SAY IT FASTER THAN OTHERS.

THEN OUR PRINCIPAL IS ABOUT TO GET INTO THE ANNOUNCEMENTS WHEN THE BIG DOUBLE DOORS IN THE BACK OF THE GYM ARE THROWN OPEN AND SMACK AGAINST THE WALLS WITH A GIANT BANG. ENTER MRS. VAIL, SHORT, BUTCHY VICE PRINCIPAL WITH BICEPS LIKE NOTHING YOU'VE EVER SEEN. SHE'S HOLDING KYLE, WHO APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN DRESSED FROM THE LOST AND FOUND. THERE ARE TEARS JUST STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE. WE ALL STARE AT KYLE AND MRS. VAIL LETS HIM GO. HE RUNS TOWARDS ME, SLIPS ON THE GROUND BECAUSE HE'S IN SOCKS FOR SOME REASON, PICKS HIMSELF UP, AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO ME. TOTALLY INCONSOLABLE FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. WHEN WE GET HOME HE FINALLY OPENS UP TO ME AND TELLS ME THAT MRS. VAIL PICKED HIM UP OUT OF THE MUD LIKE A DYING SOLDIER AND WASTED NO TIME IN STRIPPING HIM NAKED AND DRESSING HIM UP IN SHORT-SHORTS AND A STRAWBERRY-SHORTCAKE TSHIRT EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS A NINJA TURTLE TSHIRT RIGHT THERE.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 12:56:26 pm

SO ALSO IN KINDERGARTEN I APPARENTLY THOUGHT THAT THE KIDS IN MY CLASS DIDN'T KNOW ENOUGH ABOUT COUGARS FOR SOME REASON, BECAUSE I DEFINITELY MADE A SWEET COUGAR QUIZ WHICH I INSISTED ON GIVING OUT TO THE CLASS THE NEXT DAY.

WHAT COLOR IS THE COUGAR? GOLD? NO! BROWN? NO! RED? NO! THE ANSWER IS TAWNY.

Anchors posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:02:06 pm

Hahahahaha the kindergarten story is honestly one of the best things I have ever heard.

jayjerkface posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:02:06 pm

add to watch list.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:03:01 pm

THE FIRST TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING I WAS ABOUT 8 OR 9. I REMEMBER WE PARKED THE CAR, I JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY STEPPED ON A NAIL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEN WE WENT HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET A TETANUS SHOT OR SOME KIND OF SHOT. IT'S ALL KIND OF HAZY.

THE SECOND TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING WAS A MONTH LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. WE PARKED THE CAR, AND MY SISTER JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO LIFT UP SOME SORT OF BOULDER THAT WAS ON A HILL. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY SHE DID THIS. ANYWAY SHE ENDED UP BREAKING HER FINGER. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH MOM IN HER HOUR OF NEED.

AT THE END OF SUMMER, MY DAD, OUT OF COMPLETE DESPERATION TO GO CAMPING WITH THE KIDS, TOOK US OUT AGAIN. I REMEMBER HE SEEMED A BIT FIDGETY THE WHOLE WAY THERE, AND I REMEMBER HE WOULDN'T LET US OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL HE HAD SCOUTED AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE CAR MY DAD WAS BUSY TAKING THE BUNGEE CORDS OFF THE ROOF. WE HAD ABOUT A BILLION THINGS UP ON THE CAR WHICH MY DAD HAD SECURED WITH AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF BUNGEE CORDS. ANYWAY FOR SOME REASON I UNHOOKED ONE OF THE BUNGEE CORDS ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR. IT WHIZZED OVER THE CAR ROOF LIKE A METEOR AND CUT MY DAD DEEPLY IN HIS EYEBROW. WE HAD TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, THIS TIME WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN MY DAD'S FACE AND ME AND MY SISTER IN TEARS.

ATF posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:05:08 pm

this thread definitely woke me up the right way; i've been laughing my ass off.

more!

Eneweeeeeeeeee posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:05:22 pm

these stories would be great in font size 7

The Igneous Faction posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:06:43 pm

Tawny.... I am in awe.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:17:45 pm

ALSO ONCE AT THE COTTAGE MY DAD AND UNCLE RON ARE NOW ARGUING OVER WHO HAS THE NICEST WATCH. RON IS GOING ON ABOUT HIS IS ATOMIC OR SOMETHING AND MY DAD IS TALKING ABOUT HOW HIS IS POWERED BY WRIST MOVEMENTS AND THEY ARE BOTH MAKING EXTRAVAGANT CLAIMS THAT I CAN NEITHER VERIFY NOR DISREGARD. WE ARE ALL WALKING DOWN TO THE BEACH TO GO SWIMMING. AS WE APPROACH THE SHORELINE UNCLE RON CAREFULLY REMOVES HIS WATCH, WRAPS IT IN A CHAMOIS HE MUST HAVE HAD HIDDEN IN HIS BATHING SUIT, AND PLACES IT DAINTILY IN THE CENTER OF A FOLDING CHAIR.

"CAN'T TAKE IT IN THE WATER, EH?!" MY DAD SHOUTS OUT TRIUMPHANTLY AND UNCLE RON GLOWERS. "MY WATCH ISN'T JUST WATER-RESISTANT, IT'S WATER-PROOF!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT!" MY DAD SUDDENLY TURNS THE BAND OVER AND SCRUTINIZES THE BACK OF PLATE. "YEP!!!" HE CONTINUES GLEEFULLY "SAYS IT RIGHT HERE - WATERPROOF UP TO 14 WHOLE ATMOSPHERES. WHAT A WATCH!"

RON SILENTLY WADES OUT INTO THE LAKE. MY DAD SPLASHES IN LIKE HE WAS DROPPED OUT OF A PLANE AND SWIMS PAST UNCLE RON, SHOUTING ALL THE WHILE. "14 ATMOSPHERES! THAT'S PRETTY DEEP!! CAN'T DO THAT WITH YOUR WATCH, CAN YOU!" HE SCORES HIS POINT AND TAKES IT FURTHER WITH A LITTLE DIVE UNDER THE WATER. HE SURFACES EXUBERANTLY. "YES, SEE - STILL TICKING!" HE PUTS THE WATCH TO HIS EAR AND SMILES BLISSFULLY ALTHOUGH I'M CONVINCED HE CAN'T HEAR A THING AMID ALL THE SPLASHING HE'S DOING. "YES, THIS IS A FINE PIECE OF CRAFTSMANSHIP. I BET I COULD GO DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE WITH THIS THING!". HE TAKES AN EXAGGERATED DEEP BREATH AND DISAPPEARS INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS OF THE LAKE.

UNCLE RON AND I WAIT. RON LOOKS AS THOUGH THE LAKE IS FULL OF VINEGAR AND HE JUST SWALLOWED A LOT OF IT. ABOUT A MINUTE LATER MY DAD'S HEAD POPS UP A GOOD 50 FEET AWAY FROM. HE'S STILL SHOUTING HAPPILY UNTIL HE LIFTS UP HIS HAND - THE WATCH ISN'T THERE ANYMORE. HE'S SOMEHOW MANAGED TO LOSE IT WHILE SWIMMING AS FAST AS HE COULD UNDER WATER.

A THIN SMILE BEGINS TO CREEP ACROSS UNCLE RON'S FACE AND WITHIN MINUTES HE IS JUST BEAMING. HE STILL REFERS TO THAT TIME AS ONE OF THE BEST SWIMS HE'S EVER TAKEN IN THE LAKE.

clubberlang posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:17:52 pm

dave secretary stories have always been the best. this thread is killing me. more more more.

Alice posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:37:17 pm

A++

garybird posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 1:40:48 pm

Anchors posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 12:39:22 pm
Al!ce posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 12:26:20 pm
A+

im laughing out loud in the middle of my class

ahahaha

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 2:24:15 pm

SO THIS KID NAMED DAX USE TO ALWAYS HANG OUT WITH US IN HIGHSCHOOL BUT NEVER EVER EVER SPOKE UNLESS HE WAS ASKED TO ANSWER A QUESTION, AND EVEN THEN THAT WAS A RARE OCCURANCE BECAUSE THE TEACHERS ALL KNEW HE DIDN'T LIKE TO TALK.

ANYWAY ONE DAY WE WERE ALL HANGING OUTSIDE AT LUNCH AND I HAPPENED TO MENTION THAT OUR PHYSICAL SCIENCE TEACHER MR. BLORN SPENT THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED HOUR TALKING ABOUT HOW ROBERTA BONDAR WAS THE FIRST WOMAN ON THE MOON.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" MY FRIEND JASON INTERRUPTS, "EARLIER TODAY BLORN TOLD OUR CLASS THAT ROBERTA BONDAR HATED THE MOON AND ONLY WANTED TO BE THE FIRST WOMAN IN SPACE!"

"GOD DAMMIT!" I REPLIED! "I WONDER WHAT THE HELL HE'S TELLING HIS CLASS RIGHT NOW!"

AT THIS POINT DAX CLEARED HIS THROAT AND WE ALL WENT SILENT. "I BET I KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW" HE SAID IN HIS CREAKY VOICE. WE WERE ABSOLUTELY FLABBERGASTED. THIS WAS A RARE MOMENT INDEED. DAX HIKED UP HIS PANTS, PUT A LEG UP ON THE PICNIC TABLE AND PICKED UP A LONG BRANCH WHICH I IMAGINE WAS SUPPOSE TO BE THE YARDSTICK BLORN CARRIED WITH HIM AT ALL TIMES. THE IMPRESSION WAS LACKING, BUT WE DIDN'T MIND - DAX WAS ABOUT TO SPEAK.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HE'S TELLING THE CLASS RIGHT NOW ABOUT ROBERTA BONDAR?" HE LOOKED AT US IMPRESSIVELY. WE ALL NODDED SILENTLY. DAX MADE AN OBSCENE THRUSTING MOTION WITH HIS PELVIS AND ATTEMPTED A POOR MIMICRY OF MR. BLORN'S SANDY VOICE: "YEAH I FUCKED HER, BOYS. I FUCKED HER REAL GOOOOOOOOD."

ODDEST THING EVER.

haveyourseizuresnow posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 2:42:16 pm

Story threads are probably one of my favorite things about vlv! They always remind of of A Christmas Story or Calvin and Hobbes.
A+++

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 2:48:20 pm

GOOD TIMES PEOPLE, GOOD TIMES. THIS SUCKED UP MY MORNING, BUT I THINK I NEED TO STICK AROUND THE OFFICE EXTRA LONG TODAY. I'LL TRY AND THINK UP SOME MORE STORIES AND FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE THEM SO THERE'S A BIT OF A PUNCHLINE OR ENDING AND EVERYTHING GETS TIED UP NEATLY.

Lucas posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 2:56:57 pm

dave's one of my new favorite posters.
this totally put me in a good mood for today

mike posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:04:59 pm

dave's one of my favorite posters.

LetsGetSerious posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:11:26 pm

:)

youre a crucial canadian, dave.

mynameischris posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:33:55 pm

this thread rules.

lydiakills posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:40:56 pm

hahahahaha i cried i was laughing so hard.

servo posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:41:44 pm

very good sir

Foucitault posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:45:45 pm

i need another fix

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 3:57:22 pm

MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER MR. RESTIVE DIDN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT CHEMISTRY. HE WOULD STAND IN FRONT OF THE CLASS WITH THE OVERHEAD PROJECTOR AIMED AGAINST THE FAR WALL, OPENED TEXTBOOK ON THE DESK NEXT TO IT, AND WOULD JUST COPY STUFF STRAIGHT OUT OF THE TEXTBOOK. WE WERE THEN SUPPOSE TO COPY IT OFF THE OVERHEAD. I REMEMBER THIS ONE AFTERNOON HE GOT ALL INTO HIS SUBJECT AND STOPPED WRITING ON THE OVERHEAD AND HIS BROW FURROWED AND HE WENT SILENT FOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES AND THEN SMILED SUDDENLY AND WAS ALL LIKE "HMM. HMM.. HEY, THIS IS KIND OF NEAT!!" AND WE WERE ALL LIKE "JESUS CHRIST" AND MR. RESTIVE IS JUST GLOWING AND HE LOOKS UP AND SAYS 'TURN TO PAGE 72'.

SO WE ALL TURN TO PAGE 72 AND IT'S JUST A BIG BLACK AND WHITE PICTURE OF THESE TWO GERIATRICS SMILING AT EACH OTHER AT DISNEY WORLD OR SOME SHIT.

Lucas posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:01:02 pm

hahahhaa

i had this ooooooooold black science teacher that did the same thing, he never taught anything and just put transparencies up for people to copy. then, we would get tested on material that he never went over.

then some of the cheerleaders told me he would leave them little love notes on their desks. score!

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:01:04 pm

THERE WAS THIS KID IN OUR HIGHSCHOOL WHO ALWAYS HAD POO OR SOMETHING IN HIS NOSE AND WE USE TO JUST CALL HIM 'TOODLES' AND ONE DAY HIS DAD SCREECHED INTO THE SCHOOL PARKING LOT AT ABOUT 90MPH AND LEAPT OUT OF THE CAR AND BOUNDED UP THE LANE INTO THE SCHOOL CARRYING THIS GIANT POT. TOODLES WAS HANGING AROUND BY HIMSELF SMELLING LIKE POO LIKE HE ALWAYS DID AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW HIS DAD IS JUST SCREAMING AT HIM ABOUT HOW HE BURNT SOME RICE IN THE POT LAST NIGHT. AND THEN HE TURNS TO THE CROWD OF CURIOUS STUDENTS STANDING IN A BIT OF A SEMI-CIRCLE, AND HE SHOWS US THE POT WHICH HAS BITS OF BURNT RICE STUCK TO THE BOTTOM AND HE YELLS OUT "THIS!! THIS IS A FIRE!!"

jeff_n posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:04:32 pm

wow. this made me really happy!

superomega posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:04:59 pm

DAVE. was it you who told that story with the pool, and the fence, and the old lady and the diaper?

lydiakills posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:07:47 pm

are these all true?

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:24:57 pm

YES THAT IS MY STORY. IT'S A LONG ONE, IT WILL REQUIRE SOME PREPARATION. YES THESE STORIES ARE TRUE.

AT SOME POINT I WILL GET INTO THE STORIES OF CAMP OPEMEKON AND SCOUT CAMP. HERE IS A QUICK SCOUT CAMP STORY:

SO IN CUBS OUR CAMP 'LEADERS' ALL HAD THESE RIDICULOUS FAKE NAMES THAT WHERE TAKEN FROM THE JUNGLE BOOK AND WE WERE SUPPOSE TO ADDRESS THEM AS SUCH. NONE OF THE KIDS WHERE VERY HAPPY WITH THIS, AND EVEN AT AN EARLY AGE WE ALL REALIZED OUR CAMP WAS BEING RUN BY A BUNCH OF NERDY TRY-HARDS WHO SEEMED TO HAVE A THING IF YOUNG BOYS CALLED THEM 'AKELA' OR 'BALOO'.

ANYWAY SO WE HAD TO DO THIS WINTER CAMP ENDURANCE EMBARASSMENT. IT BOILED DOWN TO SPENDING A FRIGID NIGHT IN A GODDAMNED BARN IN JANUARY. IT WAS AWFUL. I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS FAT KID NAMED MARK WHO SPENT THE ENTIRE NIGHT MAKING ALL THESE LITTLE LABOROUS NOISES AND GENERALLY SOUNDING FOR ALL THE WORLD LIKE A BEACHED WHALE. I ALSO REMEMBER AT ABOUT 2 IN THE MORNING (BECAUSE IT WAS TOO COLD TO SLEEP), SOMEONE TOLD MARK THAT THERE WERE 'CORN CHIPS' HIDDEN IN THE HAY SOMEWHERE, AND THEN MARK WENT VERY STILL FOR A WHILE AND THEN 15 MINUTES LATER WE HEARD HIM MUNCHING. SINCE THERE WERE NO 'CORN CHIPS' WE ASSUMED HE WAS ACTUALLY EATING HAY.

SO ANYWAY THE LAST DAY OF THIS WINTER CAMP ABORTION WE WAKE UP TO FIND OUT THE CAMP LEADERS HAVE DECIDED TO TEACH US HOW TO USE A COMPASS. WE ARE TIRED, BROKEN MEN AT THIS POINT AND IN NO MOOD FOR THESE SHENANINGANS. AKELA OR AKIRA OR WHATEVER IS THRUSTING THESE PIECES OF PAPER WITH INSTRUCTIONS TO ALL THE KIDS. THERE HAVE GOT TO BE ABOUT 400 DIRECTIONS ON THIS PAPER, ALL SAYING THINGS LIKE "GO 55 DEGREES NWN FOR 400 PACES UNTIL YOU SEE A TREE SHAPED LIKE A VULVA".

WE ALL GROAN AND THAT FRUIT "BALOO" EXPLAINS TO US THAT THERE'S A BIG SURPRISE WAITING FOR US AT THE END OF OUR "COMPASS QUEST". MORE GROANING. "BALOO" GIVES US THIS WINNING SMILE AND CRIES OUT "IT'S CHOCOLATE!!!!!"

NOW AT THIS POINT WE ARE DEFINITELY IN A BIG SNOWY FIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND TO OUR RIGHT IN THE FAR DISTANCE YOU CAN SEE THE WOODS, AND EVERYWHERE ELSE IT'S JUST HORIZON. THERE IS ONE LONELY LITTLE SHED STICKING OUT OF THE GROUND LIKE A BROKEN TOOTH A MILE AWAY.

THEN ADRIAN SAYS "IS THE CHOCOLATE IN THAT SHED?" AND "BALOO" SAYS "WHAT?" AND THEN I REMEMBER WE ALL STARTED RUNNING TO THE SHED DESPITE THE CRIES AND PLEAS FROM THE COUNSELORS AND SURE ENOUGH THERE'S A BUNCH OF GODDAMNED CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES FROM WHO KNOWS WHAT YEAR STACKED UP IN THE SHED. IT WAS AWESOME. WE DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THE COMPASS QUEST.

superomega posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:25:55 pm

yessssssss. that was the best story ever.
please tell it :)

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:27:39 pm

GATHER 'ROUND KIDS, THIS ONE'S A DOOZY

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:30:27 pm

OH AND VERY QUICKLY

I WAS PLAYING MONOPOLY WITH KYLE ONCE, AND THIS KID SERIOUSLY CAN'T GET ANYTHING STRAIGHT AND DEFINITELY IS NO GOOD AT ANY BOARD GAME AND WHENEVER WE PLAYED MONOPOLY HE WAS USUALLY BUST BY THE THIRD OR FOURTH TIME HE WENT AROUND 'GO'.

ANYWAY THIS ONE TIME HE WENT OUT EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, EVEN FOR HIM, AND HE THREW HIS LITTLE METAL IRON PIECE ACROSS THE ROOM IN ANGER AND YELLED OUT "I HATE BEING BANK-ROBBED!!!"

shark eats man posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 4:39:29 pm

it's like he's some kind of weird awesome story telling robot machine...

Cory Popp posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:15:45 pm

just like that lem short story, "electric bard." dave is going to make this board crazy and we are going to have to send him to the moon.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:17:33 pm

SO I WAS AT THE VIDEO STORE A FEW MONTHS AGO AND THIS GUY AND THIS GIRL WERE LOOKING AT THE NEW RELEASES AND THE GUY SAID "HAVE YOU SEEN AVIATOR? AND THE GIRL SAID "AVIAWHAT?"

Lucas posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:18:52 pm

how the fuck do you lose monopoly after three loops?

miserlou posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:36:21 pm

ahaha Kyle sucks.

superomega posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:41:35 pm

kyle is like logan.

oh man we need that logan thread back.

400at1600 posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 5:49:52 pm

a+ for sure. these stories put me in such a great mood, thanks "DANGER POINT".

Branko posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 6:31:18 pm

jesus christ, i just read all of these

brilliant!

harvey posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 6:53:51 pm

same here, branko!
i laughed so hard, i cried! then i cried so hard, i was furious! then i was so angry, i got envious. then later, curious.

Branko posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 6:54:44 pm

as everyone else, i am left wanting more

lydiakills posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 6:55:51 pm

i've been waiting all day for more. i need laughs.

Lucas posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:02:04 pm

this should be a sticky.

jaymfjay posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:03:22 pm

i read this thread in the library and i couldn't contain my laughter....then i came home and read the dax story and i was in tears.

jaymfjay posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:04:13 pm

i read this thread in the library and i couldn't contain my laughter....then i came home and read the dax story and i was in tears.

timer posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:09:16 pm

ahahaha 'CORN CHIPS'

clitinthepit posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:22:45 pm

Dave my love for you never stops growing!

clitinthepit posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 7:58:51 pm

HAHAHA OH SHIT, camping stories are the best!

hiccups posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:03:02 pm

so this is easily the funniest shit i have ever read on here

Jordan posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:04:46 pm

serious dot.

Jordan posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:29:41 pm

I laughed so hard at "compass quest". Holy crap.

remy posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:33:42 pm

HE THREW HIS LITTLE METAL IRON PIECE ACROSS THE ROOM IN ANGER AND YELLED OUT "I HATE BEING BANK-ROBBED!!!"

this was the point where I actually started crying

Teargasrock posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:47:10 pm

I`m not reading all this capslock crap.

clitinthepit posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 8:49:29 pm

Teargasrock posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 08:47:10 pm
I`m not reading all this capslock crap.

You will regret not reading it!

weiner mobile posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 9:12:14 pm

i need this in print form.

Gary posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 9:25:17 pm

i need this in non-capital form. i prefer to scan for words, not letters, jerkass

howard roark posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:03:40 pm

Gary posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 09:25:17 pm
i need this in non-capital form. i prefer to scan for words, not letters, jerkass

you obviousely dont GET IT

juustiin posted this on November 22nd, 2005 @ 11:05:12 pm

I love getting presents.

Lucas posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 2:24:03 am

yeah if dave or anyone else is willing to retype this and make a file out of it or actually a zine or something, that would be really fucking awesome.

i do think the caps lock makes it funnies sometimes though.

springbreakforever posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 3:28:05 am

this is what i found after finishing my research paper. and everything is ok again. i am very fond of this post. more stories! at least 100 stories!

Jimmybobbin posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:02:40 am

love the caps and story telling technique :)

weiner mobile posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:31:46 am

yeah, caps works great for this thread.

jane posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:34:10 am

when i get home this afternoon, i hope there will be new stories for me to read.

weak style posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:34:18 am

Oh man, I swear that cubscout story happened to me when i lived in canada. we didn't even use the compass. where are you from, dave?

Caliphate posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:56:12 am

i love this thread and i love dave. i don't even know him and i love him a lot.

i had to walk away from the computer because i was laughing too hard at "DANGER POINT" and then i almost fell over from doubling up and laughing.

this thread is amazing

melanie posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 6:03:36 am

this is one amazing thread!

pppatrick posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 6:05:36 am

amazing stories. the caps make it seem like dave is yelling, awesome!

melanie posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 6:06:34 am

yeah, it's like he is assuming we all have bad hearing. golden!

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 9:25:49 am

ALRIGHT SO TODAY THERE'S GOING TO BE A FEW STORIES FROM DAYTONA BEACH. SIX YEARS AGO, WHEN I WAS SEVENTEEN, MY FRIEND MATT AND I PRETTY MUCH STOLE 30K FROM OUR SCHOOL. SOME OF THE MONEY WENT TO FUND AN OUTDOOR KEG-PARTY WEEKEND THING IN MONTREAL, BUT A LOT OF IT WAS FUNNELED INTO A TRIP TO DAYTONA FOR US AND ABOUT 50 OF OUR FRIENDS. WE RENTED OUT WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN THE MOST DERELICT SHANTY-MOTEL ON THE ATLANTIC STRIP, AND HAD ONE OF THE BEST TIMES OF OUR LIVES.

COMING SHORTLY: THE JELLYFISH STORY, AND THE RAID STORY.

I JUST NEED TO GET SOME WORK DONE FIRST. I LOVE YOU GUYS.

mike posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 9:41:39 am

i want to move to canada

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 9:58:10 am

ALRIGHT SO WE'VE SURVIVED A 22-HOUR BUSRIDE FROM OTTAWA TO FLORIDA THAT INVOLVED CARL THE WEINER-BOY COMPLAINING ABOUT EVERYTHING, CHRIS BITCHING ABOUT EVERYONE NEEDING TO USE THE BATHROOM IN THE BACK, AND JASON BREAKING HIS BRAND NEW PORTABLE DVD-PLAYER, ONE OF THE FIRST MODELS EVER MADE.

WE GET TO DAYTONA AS THE SUN RISES. WE PARK IN FRONT OF THE SEEDIEST ESTABLISHMENT I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON, AND ARE IMMEDIATELY GREETED BY A WIZENED OLD LADY WHO IS DISTRIBUTING TOWELS AND ROOM KEYS LIKE RATIONS AMONG THE TROOPS. SHE CLAIMS HER NAME IS 'ESMERELDA' BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE A JANE TO ME. SHE QUICKLY LAUNCHES INTO A FASCINATING TIRADE ABOUT HOW IF ANY OF THE FACILITIES IN THE MOTEL DON'T WORK, IT IS BECAUSE WE HAVE ALREADY BROKEN THEM.

I, OF COURSE, AM ALREADY RUNNING TOWARDS THE BEACH. I JUMP IN THE WATER AND SWIM OUT ABOUT 50 FEET AT WHICH POINT I AM STUNG BY A JELLYFISH AND GO INTO ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK. JASON, ALWAYS A BRO, JUMPS IN THE WATER AND HELPS ME GET OUT. WITH MY ARM OVER HIS SHOULDER I STAGGER TO THE FRONT DESK WHERE ESMERLDA IS NOW EXCITEDLY GOING OVER THE LIST-OF-THINGS-THAT-WILL-LOSE-US-OUR-DEPOSITS. I TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO CALL AN AMBULANCE AND SHE GIVES ME A SOUR LOOK. "WHAT ABOUT A CAB?" SHE SAYS?

"I DON'T REALLY HAVE TIME FOR A CAB, I'M DYING" I REPLY SHORTLY.

ESMERELDA BEGINS TO HAGGLE. "LOOK, WHY DON'T WE CALL A CAB FIRST, AND THEN IF IT GETS REALLY BAD WE'LL CALL AN AMBULANCE" SHE SAYS DOUBTFULLY. CLEARLY SHE DOESN'T WANT AN AMBULANCE PARKED IN FRONT OF HER RAT-INFESTED MOTEL.

JASON RUNS INSIDE THE MOTEL AND CALLS AN AMBULANCE WHILE ESMERELDA AND I CONTINUE TO ARGUE OVER THE RELATIVE MERITS OF AMBULANCE VS CAB. FORTUNATELY THERE'S ONE NEARBY AND THEY STOP BY THE MOTEL AND PUT ME ON THE STRETCHER AND TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL. JASON JUMPS IN THE BACK WITH ME.

AT THE HOSPITAL I GO THROUGH THE USUAL - ADRENALINE, NOREPIPINEPHRINE, AND A TON OF BENADRYL DUMPED DIRECTLY INTO THE IV. AS YOU ALL KNOW, BENADRYL MAKES YOU VERY SLEEPY, ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE A HUGE DOSE PUMPED INTO YOU INTRAVENOUSLY. WITHIN ABOUT 20 MINUTES I AM SO SLEEPY I CAN BARELY STAND UP, YET AM BEING VERY STUBBORN ABOUT GOING BACK TO THE BEACH. AN HOUR LATER I AM IN THE CLEAR AND RELEASED, DESPITE THE NURSE THINKING I SHOULD STAY OVERNIGHT.

JASON AND I MAKE SOME EDUCATED GUESSES AND FIND A BUS THAT WILL GET US BACK NEAR OUR HOTEL. I CAN BARELY STAND ON THE BUS. I'M STILL IN A WET BATHING SUIT AND TSHIRT AND THAT NOSE-PLUG THING THAT DELIVERS OXYGEN IS DANGLING OUT OF MY POCKET AND I'M TOTTERING ALL OVER THE PLACE. THE BUS STOPS AND OUR MOTEL IS IN SIGHT. THE DOORS IN THE BACK OPEN UP AND I FALL OUT OF THE BUS AND LAND RIGHT ON MY FACE. GASH OPEN MY HEAD AND FALL ASLEEP AT THE SAME TIME. JASON WAKES ME UP, HE LOOKS REALLY CONCERNED.

WE SLOWLY MAKE OUR WAY BACK TO THE MOTEL WITH BLOOD POURING DOWN MY FACE AND BYSTANDERS STARING AT US. WE GET INTO OUR HOTEL ROOM AND I FALL ASLEEP FOR ABOUT 20 HOURS. SO MUCH FOR DAY 1 AT DAYTONA.

WHEN I WAKE UP I IMMEDIATELY FEEL LIKE GOING SWIMMING. I OPEN THE DOOR AND WALK OUTSIDE AND MAKE MY WAY DOWN TO THE BEACH. 20 FEET LATER I SUDDENLY GET VERY TIRED AGAIN, AND SPOT A HOT-TUB FULL OF ELDERY PEOPLE OVER THE FENCE BEHIND THE HUGE HOLIDAY INN THAT'S RIGHT NEXT TO US. I DECIDE THAT'S MUCH CLOSER AND CLIMB THE FENCE AND START WALKING TOWARDS ALL THESE OLD PEOPLE.

THIS HOT TUB MUST HAVE ABOUT TWO DOZEN OCTOGENARIANS CRAMMED IN THERE LIKE SARDINES, AND THEY ARE ALL STARING AT ME. OF COURSE I HAVE A TON OF DRIED BLOOD ON MY FACE BUT I DON'T REMEMBER THAT, AND I MUST LOOK LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A HORROR MOVIE AS I WOBBLED TOWARDS THEM. A FEW REALLY OLD WOMEN WITH LOOKS OF ABSOLUTE TERROR ON THEIR FACES PUSH AWAY FROM ME AS I EASE MYSELF INTO THE HOTTUB.

I'M STILL IN MY BATHING SUIT SO THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD, BUT WHEN I TAKE MY TSHIRT OFF LIFE STARTS TO GET INTERESTING. I'M TOTALLY COVERED IN THOSE LITTLE ELECTRODE-MONITOR THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE LITTLE METAL NIPPLES. THEY'RE STUCK ALL OVER MY BODY FROM WHEN I WAS HAVING MY VITAL SIGNS OBSERVED. I DON'T REALIZE THIS. PRETTY SOON THE BUBBLING WATER WORKS ITS MAGIC AND MY GERIATRIC AUDIENCE WATCHES IN AMAZEMENT AND DISGUST AS SEVERAL OF THESE LITTLE THINGS LOOSEN FROM MY BODY AND START FLOATING AROUND THE HOTTUB. EVERYONE'S AVOIDING ME BUT NOBODY'S GETTING OUT. I JUST SIT THERE BLISSFULLY, MY FACE CAKED IN BLOOD AND DIRT AND A LITTLE SPHERE OF ELECTRODE-MONITORS BOBBING AROUND ME LIKE LITTLE SILVER WATER-LILLIES.

FINALLY THIS ONE OLD MAN ACROSS ME STARTS SHOOTING THESE BALEFUL LOOKS AT HIS COMPATRIOTS, AND THEN ADDRESSES ME DIRECTLY: "SON, YOUR HOO-HAS ARE FLOATIN' AROUND THE POO'"

melanie posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 10:01:44 am

these just keep getting better!

lydiakills posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 10:51:01 am

hahahahaha! these have been the best to mornings of my life.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 10:51:25 am

DAY THREE AT DAYTONA: MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ARE SITTING AROUND COMFORTABLY IN OUR HOTEL ROOM. THE DAY BEFORE JASON HAD BOUGHT A STUFFED CRAB FROM THE GROCERY STORE AND 'ACCIDENTLY' LEFT IT IN THE MICROWAVE FOR ALMOST HALF AN HOUR. THE RESULTING SMELL WAS SO BAD AND SO PERMANENT THAT WE WERE MOVED TO ANOTHER ROOM. THIS WAS JUST FINE AND DANDY, AS OUR OLD ROOM HAD A MALFUNCTIONING TOILET.

SO WE'RE SITTING AROUND DRINKING WHEN CARL THE WIENER-BOY BURSTS IN AND TELLS US OUR HOTEL IS BEING RAIDED BY THE POLICE. YOU NEED TO MEET CARL TO UNDERSTAND HIM. HE IS CONSTANTLY HIGH-STRUNG AND EVEN THE MOST PERFUNCTORY ACTION IS THE BIGGEST DEAL TO HIM.

JASON BELCHES PEACEABLY. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT NOW, CARL"

CARL IS LOOKING AROUND HIM WILDLY. "THE COPS! THE COPS ARE HERE AND THEY'RE BREAKING INTO EVERYONE'S ROOM AND LOOKING FOR ALCOHOL AND ARRESTING ANYONE WHO ISN'T 21!!!"

MARK LOOKS AROUND HIM AT THE IMPRESSIVE ARRAY OF LIQUOR WE'VE GOT WITH US. WE PROBABLY HAVE THE MOST ALCOHOL OUT OF EVERYONE IN THE MOTEL. HE LOOKS AT ME INQUISITIVELY. "CARL, GO HOME" HE SAYS.

IT'S TOO LATE - CARL'S ALREADY JUMPED OVER ONE OF THE BEDS AND IS RUNNING TOWARDS SEVERAL BOTTLES OF HARD LIQUOR ON THE MANTLE. HE GRABS A 60 OF RUM AND ONE OF WHISKY AND RUNS INTO THE BATHROOM.

THIS SHIT DEFINITELY DOESN'T FLY IN OUR PARTICULAR MOTEL ROOM. I TELL JASON TO START PUTTING THE ALCOHOL INTO EMPTY COKE BOTTLES AND LARGE CUPS FOR NOW, AND FOLLOW MARK INTO THE BATHROOM, WHERE CARL HAS BEGUN TO POUR WHISKEY DOWN THE BATHTUB. MARK SLAPS CARL IN THE FACE, HARD.

"CARL YOU LITTLE WEINER, GET OUT OF HERE!" MARK BELLOWS.

CARL LOOKS AT MARK, THEN AT ME, AND MAKES SOME SORT OF FEEBLE REMONSTRATION ABOUT HOW WE NEED TO GET RID OF THE ALCOHOL. MARK REMAINS UNMOVED AND WE ESCORT CARL OUT.

WHEN I OPEN THE FRONT DOOR (WE'RE ON THE THIRD FLOOR), I NOTICED AN UNUSUAL AMOUNT OF MY FRIENDS MILLING ABOUT ON THE BALCONY BELOW US LOOKING UNCOMFORTABLE, AND SEE SEVERAL POLICE OFFICERS DOING A BIT OF A METHODICAL SEARCH. CARL'S LITTLE SPASM ISN'T ENTIRELY FABRICATED, IT SEEMS.

WE EMPTY THE LAST OF OUR ALCOHOL INTO TWO LITER BOTTLES AND ABOUT A DOZEN PLASTIC CUPS, AND THROW THE BOTTLES OUT THE BACK WINDOW ONTO THE BEACH. A MINUTE LATER THERE'S A KNOCK ON OUR DOOR AND COPS COME INTO OUR ROOM. THEY'RE VERY FRIENDLY AND POLITE, AND SAY THERE HAVE BEEN COMPLAINTS OF UNDERAGE DRINKING AND THEY KNOW IT'S SPRING BREAK BUT THEY NEED TO DO THEIR JOBS. THEY DON'T LOOK VERY HARD, AND LEAVE QUICKLY.

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION. MARK, JASON, CHRIS AND I ALL GRAB A RANDOM CUP EACH AND START DOING SHOTS.

OF COURSE JASON, IN HIS UNENDING HASTE, JUST HAD TO EMPTY A BOTTLE OF RUBBING ALCOHOL CHRIS'S MOM PACKED IN HIS KNAPSACK INTO A CUP, AND OF COURSE I JUST HAD TO CHOOSE THAT PARTICULAR CUP FOR MY CELEBRATION. SINCE I'M ALREADY DRUNK I CAN'T REALLY TASTE THE DIFFERENCE, BUT TEN MINUTES LATER I KNOW SOMETHING'S WRONG. I GO DOWNSTAIRS WITH JASON, WHERE I PLAN TO SIT IN THE LOBBY UNTIL THINGS EITHER GET BETTER OR I NEED ANOTHER AMBULANCE. I DON'T REALLY MAKE IT THAT FAR - ON THE FIRST FLOOR I KIND OF FALL OVER AND CAN'T STAND UP ANYMORE. I REMEMBER BEING REALLY DIZZY. ANOTHER MINUTE AND I'M PASSED OUT FACE DOWN.

NOW FOR SOME WEIRD REASON THIS ONE KID I DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT WELL SUDDENLY COMES INTO THE PICTURE (WORD TRAVELS FAST IN THE MOTEL WHEN THERE'S TROUBLE AND THERE'S ALREADY ABOUT 30 KIDS STANDING AROUND ME). ANYWAY THIS KID, ROBBIE, APPARENTLY SHOUTS OUT SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF "I'VE WATCHED A VIDEO ON SAFETY" AND LEAPS INTO THE FRAY. FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD HE LOOKS ME UP AND DOWN AND ISSUS HIS EXPERT OPINION THAT I NEED TO BE ON MY SIDE. HE THEN GRABS ME BY THE BACK OF MY HEAD AND PULLS MY HEAD UP. UNFORTUNATELY I'M SOAKING WET, IN SOME SORT OF WEIRD COLD-SWEAT, AND ROBBIE'S EXPERT GRIP FAILS HIM. MY HEAD CRASHES BACK DOWN AND I RIP MY HEAD OPEN AGAIN ON THE HALL FLOOR. AMBULANCE COMES, JASON ONCE AGAIN HOPS IN THE BACK. WHEN I RETURN LATER THAT NIGHT ESMERELDA GIVES ME A WITHERING LOOK.

clubberlang posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:02:20 am

do you just come up with the amazing punch lines and then write stories around them? i've watched a video on safety cracked me up for a while.

superomega posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:06:27 am

dave should have a newsletter and every week or so we get an email with like 5 of these stories.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:11:22 am

FUCK I THOUGHT OF SOME REALLY GOOD SHORT ONES WHEN I WAS WALKING TO WORK BUT I DON'T REMEMBER THEM NOW!

THE WELL IS DRY RIGHT NOW!

MAYBE I WILL JUST START POSTING ENTRIES FROM THE STORY I AM WRITING

melanie posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:16:26 am

dave, it is time to start carrying a notebook :)

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:35:27 am

Charleston,

That blasted, manhandling Fauntleroy boy of yours has crossed every thresh-hold I hold dear. I am writing entirely out of desperation, frustration, impedance, and anything else you can shovel in - the end of the proverbial robe has been reached, and in addition I have frayed and braided it back together in order to cling to the last remnants of my sanity.

This morning, while ironing the news, I caught glimpse of that whiny simp of yours performing crude hand-springs through my wild nasturtium bed. When I yelled at the little urchin he lost control of his industry and voided his bladded all over my prize-winning peace lillies. Such things simply cannot stand anymore. It cannot, pardon the expression, hold water. I have drafted up a rough petition which I intend to circulate throughout the community, desiring a swift and mass exodus of a one Mr. Calien Bartle, blackguard and bed-wetter, desperado and dandy. It outlines a swelled history of his criminal behaviour, starting with the time I caught him singing Hugh of Lincoln to my cat.

Four and twenty bonny boys
Were playing at the ba',
And up it stands him sweet Sir Hugh,
The flower among them a'.

He kicked the ba' there wi' his foot,
And keppit it wi' his knee,
Till even in at the Jew's window
He gart the bonny ba' flee.

"Cast out the ba' to me, fair maid,
Cast out the ba' to me."
"Never a bit," says the Jew's daughter,
Till ye come up to me."

Absolute rubbish! The thought of such filth fermenting the ears of my precious feline. It's enough to make one weep.

I close this letter with ominous warnings of the tumult I intend to cause in the next week. You'll hear from me soon.

-Wurthers

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:36:21 am

Wurthers,

You know damn well I haven't the time or patience to keep up this withering correspondence. Calien is a brick, but a very loving child deep down. Just yesterday I saw him crooning to that ancient neighbor of ours, Gurbon, who happened to be waving his pitchfork about like a demoniac. Clearly the boy was trying to calm the old man down. Calien sings like an angel and you should be so lucky as to have heard one of his ballads.

Furthermore, I am in this middle of a personal crisis and could do without you heaping on your minor unsettling affairs. In these robust august days I should be reaching the apex of my existence; lounging about on the portico and starting my autobiography. However I have recently fallen victim to two disturbing events, so ghastly and abhorrent they consume my very soul.

Go ahead and circulate your petition. I have strong reason to believe by the end of autumn your blasted peace lillies will be the least of your concerns. Tumult indeed! - if you only knew what strange things are coming this way.

Respectfully yours,
Charleston

Lucas posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:49:39 am

more stories.

Jordan posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 11:55:08 am

Fast times in Daytona Beach.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 12:25:25 pm

GUYS I'M OUT OF STORIES FOR NOW. WORK GOT HECTIC. I HAVE A TON OF GOOD STORIES, BUT A LOT OF THEM WON'T BE FUNNY WRITTEN DOWN, AND I FORGET A LOT OF THEM. I WILL UPDATE THIS WHENEVER I THINK OF STUFF.

FAST TIMES INDEED! I SHOULD TELL YOU ABOUT HOW WE WENT TO THIS DESPICABLE CLUB CALLED "RAZZLES" AND HOW WHEN WE RETURNED FROM THAT WHOLE FRACAS THERE WERE SOME GODDAMNED FRENCH KIDS FROM QUEBEC IN OUR MOTEL ROOM DRINKING OUR BOOZE!!

Lucas posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:20:02 pm

i still nominate a zine of this gets published

clitinthepit posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:26:42 pm

lucas posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:20:02 pm
i still nominate a zine of this gets published

Ditto.

Dave what's an octogenarian?

weak style posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:34:18 am where are you from, dave?

I will answer this. He's from Ottawa.

flexarmstrong posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 5:26:57 pm

hahaha

oh man, 10/10

howard roark posted this on November 23rd, 2005 @ 9:22:50 pm

lucas posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:20:02 pm
i still nominate a zine of this gets published

youre right!
nature series issue 3!!

Lucas posted this on November 24th, 2005 @ 1:10:02 am

clitinthepit posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:26:42 pm
lucas posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:20:02 pm
i still nominate a zine of this gets published

Ditto.

Dave what's an octogenarian?

octogenarian

SYLLABICATION: oc·to·ge·nar·i·an
PRONUNCIATION: kt-j-nâr-n
ADJECTIVE: Being between 80 and 90 years of age.
NOUN: A person between 80 and 90 years of age.</i>

melanie posted this on November 24th, 2005 @ 10:54:21 am

more, please?

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 24th, 2005 @ 11:02:20 am

just posted this in the 'stupid shit you did as a kid' because i forgot about this thread. i need to capitalize it, though:

MAN SO IN GRADE 1 I HAD MY FIRST 'CRUSH' ON THIS GIRL NAMED PAMELA WHO WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL. SHE WAS IN MY GYM CLASS AND WE USE TO START OFF GYM WITH OUR IDIOT TEACHER MR. BILEN PUTTING IN SOME 80S JAM IN THE TAPEDECK AND THEN WE'D ALL RUN LAPS TO 'GET OUT OF MY DREAMS, GET INTO MY CAR!!' OR SOMETHING. ANYWAY PAMELA WOULD ALWAYS LAP THE REST OF THE CLASS WITHIN MINUTES. FUCK SHE WAS FAST.

ANYWAY ONE DAY AT LUNCH IN THE PLAYGROUND I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED BUT I DID SOMETHING SUPER NICE FOR HER OR I HELPED HER UP WHEN SHE FELL OR SOMETHING, BUT ANYWAY SHE DECIDED TO 'REWARD' ME BY TELLING ME ON MONDAY WE COULD HOLD HANDS WHILE WE RAN LAPS AROUND THE GYM. IT WAS LIKE TUESDAY AT THIS POINT.

SO EVERY DAY THAT WEEK AFTER SCHOOL I WOULD GO HOME AND RUN LAPS AROUND MY HOUSE, TRYING TO GET FASTER. I WAS SO WORRIED THAT SHE WOULD BE DRAGGING ME BEHIND HER IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS AT GYM. I THINK ACTUALLY DID GET FASTER, BUT I WAS STILL WORRIED. SUNDAY NIGHT FOUND ME IN MY ROOM CRYING BECAUSE I STILL DIDN'T THINK I WAS FAST ENOUGH AND WAS SERIOUSLY TERRIFIED AND DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL.

NEXT DAY AT GYM PAMELA SINGLES ME OUT RIGHT AWAY AND TELLS ME TO HOLD HER HAND. WE'RE ALL STANDING AROUND AT THIS POINT AND MR. BILEN PUTS IN THE FLAVOR OF THE WEEK AND WE ALL START RUNNING. INSTANTLY I FEEL MYSELF GETTING YANKED FORWARD BY PAMELA WHO IS MOVING LIKE A GODDAMNED BULLET AND SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!! FASTER!!' AND SHE'S STRINGING ME ALL AROUND THE GODDAMNED GYM AND IT'S JUST LIKE MY NIGHTMARES.

ANYWAY EVERYTIME SHE KEEPS YELLING 'FASTER!!' I ACTUALLY MAKE AN EFFORT TO SOMEHOW RUN 'HARDER' AND IT'S TOTALLY WORKING. BY LIKE THE 8TH OR 9TH TIME SHE'S YELLED OUT 'FASTER!!' I'M ACTUALLY KEEPING UP WITH HER AND I FEEL LIKE GODDAMNED HERME HIMSELF AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'FASTER!!' AND I ACTUALLY START BEATING HER. AND THEN SHE YELLS OUT 'OKAY THAT'S TOO FAST!' AND I REMEMBER THE WHOLE CLASS IS JUST STARING AT ME IN TOTAL DISBELIEF AND EVEN MR. BILEN SEEMS TO HAVE LOST SOME OF HIS COLOR AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.

torchesofnero posted this on November 24th, 2005 @ 11:09:38 am

thats fucking precious

clitinthepit posted this on November 24th, 2005 @ 11:29:50 pm

HAHAHAHA oh dave!

lucas posted this on Nov 24th, 2005 at 01:10:02 am
clitinthepit posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:26:42 pm
lucas posted this on Nov 23rd, 2005 at 05:20:02 pm
i still nominate a zine of this gets published

Ditto.

Dave what's an octogenarian?

octogenarian

SYLLABICATION: oc·to·ge·nar·i·an
PRONUNCIATION: kt-j-nâr-n
ADJECTIVE: Being between 80 and 90 years of age.
NOUN: A person between 80 and 90 years of age.

Thank you!

dreamingunderwater posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 12:31:28 am

davesecretaryatwork posted this on Nov 24th, 2005 at 11:02:20 am
...AND FOR THE REST OF ELEMENTARY I WAS THE FASTEST KID IN SCHOOL.

*queue up vangelis' "chariots of fire" theme.

Lucas posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 12:34:48 am

did you two smooch?

jmyers posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 1:15:22 am

about the laps story, i read fastest as fattest every time it was used, so that confused me but made the story much more interesting.

shivaun posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 3:27:53 am

the fucking carrots story still makes me cry with laughter no matter how many times i read it. holy fuck.

micah posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 5:50:11 am

i love you dave secretary, come back to somerset

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 10:51:59 am

ALRIGHT SO I SHOWED PROMISE IN PRESCHOOL AND WAS CHOSEN FOR THIS SPECIAL 'EARLY START' PROGRAM WITH 3 OTHER LOSERS IN MY PROVINCE AND WE SPENT THE MAJORITY OF OUR KINDERGARTEN YEAR IN A MUSEUM. KIND OF SWEET, BUT I DIDN'T LEARN MUCH AND WHEN I WENT TO A REGULAR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL IN GRADE ONE I WAS THROWN INTO THESE SPECIAL 'ENRICHMENT' CLASSES BECAUSE OF IT. ENRICHMENT SUCKED. IT WAS DONE OVER HALF OF OUR LUNCH AND THE 'BRIGHT' KIDS FROM GRADES 1-6 WOULD GET TOGETHER AND WE'D BE GIVEN THESE RIDICULOUS PROJECTS.

ANYWAY I REMEMBER THIS ONE YEAR THE PROJECT FOR THE ENRICHMENT KIDS IN GRADES 1-3 WAS TO DO SOME LOSER PRESENTATION OF 'THE LOON' OR SOMETHING, WHICH WAS THIS TOTALLY RANDOM INDIAN/NATIVE AMERICAN NARRATIVE THAT INVOLVED THINGS LIKE TREE SPIRITS AND MENORRAHS AND THINGS OF THAT NATURE.

ANYWAY I AM PRETTY SURE OUR ENRICHMENT TEACHER HAD IT ALL PLANNED OUT IN HER HEAD BECAUSE SHE SUGGESTED WE HANG UP A SHEET AND MAKE A TON OF CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND THEN BUY A REALLY POWERFUL BULB AND DO A SHADOW-PRESENTATION WHERE THE AUDIENCE WOULD ONLY SEE THE SILHOUETTES OF OUR CUTOUTS PRESSED GAAINST THE SHEETS, ILLUMINATED FROM BEHIND BY THE BULB. WHICH IS KIND OF DUMB BUT OF COURSE NOBODY FELT LIKE ARGUING SO THIS IS WHAT WE DID.

JEFF AND I IMMEDIATELY GOT SCREWED AND HAD TO DO ALL THE CUTOUTS FOR SCENERY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, 'THE LOON' IS PRIMARILY BASED IN THE GODDAMNED REEDS, WHICH IS THE WORST SORT OF SCENERY TO MAKE IF YOU'RE DOING CARDBOARD CUTOUTS AND JEFF AND I WERE REALLY HAVING A HARD TIME OF IT. I WAS SUGGESTED WE JUST TAPE A BUNCH OF COMBS TOGETHER AND PUT THAT UP AGAINST THE SHEET BUT THE TEACHER SHOT IT DOWN FOR NO GOOD REASON AND JEFF AND I SPENT HOURS MAKING THE SCENERY.

SO OTHER KIDS ARE MAKING CUTOUTS OF THE CHARACTERS AND EASY THINGS LIKE THAT, AND WE'RE GLUING THEM TO STRAIGHTENED-OUT COAT HANGERS SO THAT THE PUPPETEERS CAN MANIPULATE THEM ACROSS THE SCREEN WITHOUT THEIR HANDS CASTING SHADOWS AND THIS IS REALLY TURNING INTO A BIG THING AND SOMEHOW THE TEACHER DECIDES WE SHOULD PRESENT THIS LITTLE SHOW IN THE AUDITORIUM IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE SCHOOL.

SO THE BIG DAY COMES, JEFF AND I ARE SITTING TO THE SIDE, THERE ARE PEOPLE'S PARENTS HERE FOR SOME REASON, AND THE MAIN PUPPETEER IS THIS GIRL WHO I ACTAULLY THINK WAS NAMED SADDAM. SADDAM WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LOON, AND SHE HAD OBVIOUSLY BEEN FEELING PRETTY IMPORTANT AND IT WAS ALL SHE TALKED ABOUT FOR THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.

SO THE AUDITORIUM LIGHTS GO OUT AND A HUSH SETTLES OVER THE CROWDS AND THEN THAT SINGLE 800 WATT BULB IS TURNED ON AND THE BED-SHEET-SCREEN IS ILLUMINATED. OUR GODDAMNED REEDS AND TREES ARE LEANED UP AGAINST IT AND JEFF AND I SMILE IN SATISFACTION BECAUSE THAT SHIT LOOKS DAMN GOOD. THE TEACHER TURNS ON THE TAPE DECK AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH THE SOUNDS OF A LOON CALLING, BIRD CHIRPS, RUNNING WATER, SOME NATIVE AMERICANS DOING A POW-WOW FAR OFF IN THE DISTANCE, YOU KNOW, NATURE THINGS. THEN THE BOY WHO WAS SELECTED TO NARRATE BEGINS:

"LONG AGO, WHEN THE WORLD WAS GREEN, A SINGLE LOON SWAM ALL ALONE IN A SACRED LAKE WITH EMERALD SHORES"

OR YOU KNOW, SOMETHING RIDICULOUS. SADDAM PICKS UP HER LOON BY THE COAT-HANGER AND MAKES THE LOON DO THIS RIDICULOUS LITTLE HOPPY DANCE ACROSS THE SHEET.. THAT IS UNTIL SHE ACCIDENTLY TOUCHES HER HAND AGAINST THE BULB SOMEHOW. ALL WE HEAR IS THIS SLIGHT HISSING NOISE, SADDAM CRYING OUT IN PAIN, AND THE LOON TAKES THIS TERRIBLE FALL TO THE BOTTOM OF THE SHEET AND KNOCKS OVER OUR GODDAMNED SCENERY.

THEN ALL YOU HEAR IS JEFF YELL OUT "MY REEDS! MY FUCKING REEDS!" AND LIKE THIS IS GRADE 1. 6 YEAR OLDS DON'T SAY 'FUCK' IN FRONT OF GROWNUPS AND TEACHERS. THE LIGHTS GO ON AND THERE'S ALL THIS CONFUSION. SADDAM HAS BURNT HER HAND PRETTY BADLY, THERE'S A LITTLE 'TEAM' OF PEOPLE ATTENDING HER WOUNDS, THE ENRICHMENT TEACHER IS TRYING TO KEEP THE SHOW GOING, EVERYBODY IS STARING IN MY DIRECTION AND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHO SWORE, AND ABOVE ALL OF THIS I CAN STILL FAINTLY HERE THE NATIVES DOING THERE LITTLE POW-WOW HEYA-HOYA'S BECAUSE NOBODY HAS STOPPED THE TAPE.

THE NEXT YEAR AT ENRICHMENT WE HAD THE SAME TEACHER AND OUR PROJECT WAS TO MAKE OUR OWN BOARD GAME.

Lucas posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 11:42:08 am

hahah

Teargasrock posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 11:46:42 am

ha ha.

I caved in and put my dislike for the caps lock aside
great great thread

my favorite story was this one:

davesecretaryatwork posted this on Nov 22nd, 2005 at 01:03:01 pm
THE FIRST TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING I WAS ABOUT 8 OR 9. I REMEMBER WE PARKED THE CAR, I JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY STEPPED ON A NAIL. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AND THEN WE WENT HOME BECAUSE I HAD TO GET A TETANUS SHOT OR SOME KIND OF SHOT. IT'S ALL KIND OF HAZY.

THE SECOND TIME MY DAD TOOK ME AND MY SISTER CAMPING WAS A MONTH LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF JULY. WE PARKED THE CAR, AND MY SISTER JUMPED OUT AND IMMEDIATELY TRIED TO LIFT UP SOME SORT OF BOULDER THAT WAS ON A HILL. I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY SHE DID THIS. ANYWAY SHE ENDED UP BREAKING HER FINGER. WE HAD TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, AND THEN WE HAD TO GO HOME BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO BE WITH MOM IN HER HOUR OF NEED.

AT THE END OF SUMMER, MY DAD, OUT OF COMPLETE DESPERATION TO GO CAMPING WITH THE KIDS, TOOK US OUT AGAIN. I REMEMBER HE SEEMED A BIT FIDGETY THE WHOLE WAY THERE, AND I REMEMBER HE WOULDN'T LET US OUT OF THE CAR UNTIL HE HAD SCOUTED AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

WHEN I GOT OUT OF THE CAR MY DAD WAS BUSY TAKING THE BUNGEE CORDS OFF THE ROOF. WE HAD ABOUT A BILLION THINGS UP ON THE CAR WHICH MY DAD HAD SECURED WITH AN UNNECESSARY AMOUNT OF BUNGEE CORDS. ANYWAY FOR SOME REASON I UNHOOKED ONE OF THE BUNGEE CORDS ON MY SIDE OF THE CAR. IT WHIZZED OVER THE CAR ROOF LIKE A METEOR AND CUT MY DAD DEEPLY IN HIS EYEBROW. WE HAD TO DRIVE TO THE HOSPITAL, THIS TIME WITH BLOOD STREAMING DOWN MY DAD'S FACE AND ME AND MY SISTER IN TEARS.

I was laughing my ass off.

hihosixshooter posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 12:27:24 pm

DOT

Good lord, best thread I've ever read on this message board.

clitinthepit posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 12:50:26 pm

HAHAHAHAHA FOREVER!

dreamingunderwater posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 12:54:02 pm

the davesecretaryatwork chronicles continue forth. nicely done. bravo. splendid.

dtk187 posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 1:25:34 pm

so good.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:25:38 pm

SO IN JR. HIGH SCHOOL A BUNCH OF US TOOK THE CITY BUS TO SCHOOL AND BACK BECAUSE THERE WEREN'T ENOUGH SCHOOL BUSSES MAKING THE TRIP TO WYCHWOOD (WHERE A BUNCH OF US LIVED). ANYWAY THERE WAS THIS ONE GIRL NAMED CINDY WHO WE ALL HATED. SHE WAS ENORMOUS (WHICH OBVIOUSLY ISN'T A GOOD REASON TO HATE SOMEONE BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE 12) AND SHE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO TONE TO HER VOICE. SERIOUSLY. WHEN SHE SPOKE IT SOUNDED LIKE A TRASH COMPACTOR HAD JUST COME TO LIFE AND WAS TRYING TO COMMUNICATE. AND SHE WAS DUMB AND PERPETUALLY AGGRAVATED AND JUST NO FUN TO BE AROUND.

SO ANYWAY THIS ONE DAY WE'RE ON THE BUS HEADING HOME. THE CITY BUS DRIVERS HATED TO PICK US UP BECAUSE WE'RE LOUD NOISY KIDS, AND THE DRIVER THAT GOT SHAFTED WITH THE 3:45 STOP AT HADLEY JR HIGH ALWAYS TRIED TO BE ABOUT 5 MINUTES EARLY SO THAT HE'D ONLY PICK UP THE STUDENTS WHO DIDN'T DICK AROUND IN THE LOCKER BAYS AND LEFT THE SCHOOL THE MINUTE THE BELL RANG AND RAN UP THAT FUCKING HILL IN ORDER TO CATCH THE CITY BUS.

ANYWAY YEAH, THIS ONE TIME THE BUS DRIVER IS ON TIME SO WE'RE ALL WAITING FOR HIM AND WE ALL PILE INTO THE BUS. CINDY IS ALWAYS THE LAST ONE ON, NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LEAVE THE SCHOOL ON TIME, BUT BECAUSE SHE CAN'T RUN UPHILL VERY WELL DUE TO HER SIZEABLE GIRTH. SO SHE'D ALWAYS BE THE ONE WHO HAD TO STAND ON THE CITY BUS. SO ANYWAY THIS PARTICULAR TIME I'M SITTING IN THE VERY BACK ROW, DEAD CENTER, AND CINDY IS STANDING ABOUT 10 FEET IN FRONT OF ME.

MY FRIEND BEN AND I ARE JUST BEING RUTHLESS TO HER. DEFINITELY NOT COOL, BUT AGAIN WE'RE 12 AND ENJOYING OURSELVES. CINDY, ALWAYS IN A FOUL MOOD TO BEGIN WITH, IMMEDIATELY STARTS FROTHING AT THE MOUTH AND STARTS MAKING THESE DISTINCT GURGLING NOISES SHE MAKES WHEN SHE'S IRRITATED. BEN AND I DON'T STOP AND KEEP MAKING JOKES AT HER EXPENSE. CINDY'S BOMBASTIC CHASSIS BEGINS TO SHAKE AND QUIVER ALL OVER AND HER LITTLE BEEDY EYES NARROW. THIS IS ALWAYS A SIGN THAT WE'RE APPROACHING THE APEX OF HER WRATH, AND TODAY IS NO EXCEPTION.

VERY SUDDENLY CINDY STRAIGHTENS UP AND BASICALLY SCREAMS OUT IN THAT ROBOTIC WHEEZE OF HERS "LOOK OUT EVERYBODY!!! IMA GONNA KICK DAVID IN THE FACE!!!!!"

I KIND OF SIT UP SMARTLY AND FEEL LIKE I'VE JUST COME OUT OF A DREAM OR SOMETHING. HAVING THIS MASSIVE BEAST OF A WOMAN KICK ME IN THE FACE IS A SOBERING THOUGHT. I'M CONTEMPLATING THE WHOLE SITUATION WHEN CINDY BEGINS HER CHARGE AND SLOWLY PLOWS TOWARDS ME LIKE A LINEBACKER. I'M THINKING I MIGHT HAVE 5, 10 SECONDS BEFORE I'M ON THE RECEIVING END OF A FLABBY FOOT WHEN CINDY SUDDENLY KICKS FORWARD.

AT THIS POINT SHE IS STILL A GOOD 9 FEET AWAY FROM ME. I HAVE NEVER SEEN SOMEONE MISJUDGE DISTANCE SO BADLY IN MY LIFE. SHE HAS TAKEN MAYBE 2 STEPS, TOPS, AND HAS SOMEHOW DECIDED HER TONELESS WRETCH OF A LEG IS GOING TO REACH ME. OF COURSE IT DOESN'T, BUT WHAT'S INTERESTING IS THAT SHE DOES MANAGE TO KICK THIS 80 YEAR OLD WOMAN SITTING QUIETLY RIGHT IN THE FACE.

THE WOMAN JUST SORT OF TOPPLES OVER BACKWARDS AND IS TOTALLY LIMP. I AM POSITIVE HER NECK MUST BE BROKEN IN A THOUSAND PLACES, IF HER SKULL ISN'T FRACTURED ALL TOGETHER. CINDY IS BELLOWING LIKE A HARPOONED WHALE, EYES CLOSED. SHE ISN'T EVEN LOOKING AND SHE'S STILL ON THE RAMPAGE. SHE TURNS ABOUT 10 DEGREES TO HER LEFT AND KICKS AGAIN. ONCE MORE I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER IF SHE HONESTLY THINKS SHE'S ANYWHERE NEAR ME.

THIS TIME CINDY KICKS THIS POOR KID'S DISCMAN RIGHT OUT OF HIS HANDS. I REMEMBER THE DISCMAN DESCRIBED THIS BEAUTIFUL ARC ACROSS THE BUS AND PULLED THE KIDS EARPHONES OUT OF HIS EARS. HE LOOKED UP IN A HURRY, I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH, AND TURNED GODDAMNED WHITE WHEN HE SAW CINDY IN FRONT OF HIM, HER MONSTROUS MOUTH OPEN AS WIDE AS A HIPPO'S. I FELT AWFUL FOR HIM.

THEN CINDY KIND OF OPENS HER EYES AND QUIETS DOWN. THE BUS DRIVER IS PUSHING HIS WAY THROUGH THE CRUSH OF ASTONISHED KIDS TOWARDS CINDY. THE OLD LADY I SERIOUSLY THINK IS DEAD, AND IS LYING VERY STILL WITH HER HEAD TILTED BACK TO AN UNNATURAL DEGREE. THE BUS DRIVER GRABS CINDY BY THE SHOULDERS, TURNS HER AROUND AND MAKES HER GET OFF THE BUS.

THEN HE WALKS UP TO THE OLD WOMAN, GRABS HER BY THE SHOULDERS, SHAKES HER LIKE A CAN OF PAINT AND SHE IS MIRACULOUSLY REVIVED AND LOOKS A LITTLE DAZED BUT OTHERWISE OKAY. THEN THE DRIVER SAYS SOMETHING MENACING TO BEN AND I, TURNS AROUND ABRUPTLY AND MARCHES BACK TO THE FRONT OF THE BUS. WE TAKE OFF.

I TAKE A QUICK LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW AND SEE CINDY STANDING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. SHE'S SWINGING THOSE COLOSSAL ARMS OF HERS AROUND LIKE LOGS AND IS DEFINITELY STILL SCREAMING AND SHOUTING OUT NONSENSE. BEN YELLS OUT 'HEY CINDY!!' AND SHE TURNS TO US AND THE LAST THING SHE SEES THAT DAY IS BEN HOLD UP HER KNAPSACK TO THE WINDOW WITH A GIANT GRIN ON HIS FACE.

clubberlang posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:28:58 pm

quit your job and just post stories all day please.

Foucitault posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:32:29 pm

amazing!

Anchors posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:35:19 pm

clubberlang posted this on Nov 25th, 2005 at 02:28:58 pm
quit your job and just post stories all day please.

rosie. posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:39:31 pm

these are incredible. you just made my day!

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:39:55 pm

ALRIGHT HERE'S A GOOD STORY ABOUT BEN.

THIS ONE TIME ON HALLOWEEN HE TOLD ME HE HAD BOUGHT A HUGE PUMPKIN AND AN OLD SUIT AND WAS GOING TO STUFF THE SUIT WITH LEAVES, CLIMB IN IT, PUT THE HOLLOWED OUT PUMPKIN ON HIS HEAD, AND SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF EVERY KID WHO CAME TRICK-OR-TREATING. WE'RE LIKE 14 AT THIS POINT.

I THINK IT'S A MARVELOUS IDEA, ESPECIALLY SINCE BEN LIVES 5 STREETS DOWN FROM ME AND I CAN WATCH THE HAVOK FROM A SAFE DISTANCE.

SO HALLOWEEN NIGHT THINGS ARE WORKING FLAWLESSLY. BEN IS REALLY SCARING EVERYBODY, BECAUSE EVERYONE THINKS IT'S JUST A DUMMY WITH A CARVED HEAD PLACED ON TOP. BEN IS REALLY GETTING QUITE ARTISTIC ABOUT HIS SCARING PROCEDURES, FINDING IT BEST TO USE SMALL, SUBTLE MOVEMENTS TO GET THE BEST REACTIONS OUT OF PEOPLE. THE NIGHT IS YOUNG, WE ARE YOUNG, LIFE IS GOOD.

SO THEN I SEE MY DAD AND MY LITTLE SISTER COMING UP THE STREET. I AM REALLY REALLY HAPPY NOW. I WATCH THEM, ALMOST PAINFULLY, SLOWLY MAKE THEIR WAY UP TO BEN'S HOUSE. THE EXCITEMENT IS ALMOST TOO MUCH FOR ME. FINALLY THEY ARE COMING UP THE DRIVEWAY. THEY GET TO THE DOOR AND BOTH LOOK APPROVINGLY AT THE MOTIONLESS PUMPKIN-HEADED CREATURE SITTING IN THE CHAIR.

BEN THIS TIME DECIDES FOR A LITTLE MORE DIRECT ACTION AND STANDS UP SWIFTLY. MY SISTER SCREAMS BLOODY MURDER AND MY DAD GOES "AHHHHHHHHH!!!" AND AND JUST FUCKING NAILS THE PUMPKIN-MAN RIGHT IN THE HEAD. THE PUMPKIN BREAKS OPEN AND LITTLE PIECES OF IT FALL OFF, REVEALING A VERY FRIGHTENED AND BLACKEN-EYED BEN, WHO BEGINS TO REEL AROUND AND LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOING TO COLLAPSE ANY MINUTE. MY DAD YELLS OUT 'OH SHIT!' AND STRAIGHTENS BEN UP AND BRINGS HIM BACK TO HIS LAWN CHAIR WHERE HE SITS DOWN AND PROFFERS SOME LAME APOLOGIES TO BEN AND BEN'S PARENTS WHO HAVE OF COURSE ARRIVED ON SCENE BY THIS POINT.

BEST HALLOWEEN EVER!!!

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:42:19 pm

ALSO THERE IS A 7" IN CREATION SOMEWHERE THAT HAS A PICTURE OF MY DAD ON IT ON THE FRONT. MY DAD HAS A HUGE BEARD, LOOKS TO BE IN HIS LATE 20S, AND IS GIVING A GIANT THUMBS UP AND A GIANT SMILE. THERE IS A RAINBOW IN THE BACKGROUND AND IN THE RAINBOW'S OUTERMOST ARC READ THE WORDS "100% GROOVY!"

I FOUND THIS IN THE BASEMENT SEVERAL YEARS AGO AND ALMOST PASSED OUT I GOT SO HAPPY. THEN I CALLED MY DAD DOWNSTAIRS WITH A GIANT "HEY DAD WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS" AND MY DAD COMES DOWN, LOOKS SLIGHTLY OUT-OF-SORTS, THEN GRABS THE 7" AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT HOW HE'S GOING TO THE STORE. TO THIS DAY HE REFUSES TO TALK ABOUT IT AND I'VE NEVER SEEN IT SINCE.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:43:45 pm

ALSO THIS ONE TIME JENN AND I ARE HANGING OUT AND MY DAD SHOWS UP AND IS LIKE 'HERE, I'M STARVING, WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME GROCERIES' AND HE GIVES ME A HUNDRED DOLLARS. SO JENN AND I JUMP IN THE CAR AND DO THE RIGHT THING AND RETURN 15 MINUTES LATER WITH $100 IN ALCOHOL AND MY DAD JUST SIGHS AND HE HAD TO EAT AT A RESTAURANT THAT NIGHT. GOOD TIMES!!!!

clubberlang posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:45:23 pm

booo the last 2 stories are repeats!!!!

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:47:45 pm

THE LAST TWO AREN'T EVEN REAL STORIES, I JUST FELT THEY WOULD SUPPLIMENT SOME BACKGROUND INFORMATION TO MAKE THE PUMPKIN STORY A BIT BETTER!

clubberlang posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:57:35 pm

haha fine fine.

BigChillRob posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 2:58:40 pm

Your dad was in the Grateful Dead!

NathanK posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 3:29:38 pm

Hahaha, the Cindy story had me in fucking tears! Oh man, I completely forgive you for our little tiff the other night and the hair comments. Holy fucking shit!

lazy shell posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 3:37:41 pm

i'm in awe.

davesecretaryatwork posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 4:04:06 pm

SO BRENT AND I FINISH PLAYING THIS SHOW AND WE MAKE LIKE $20 SO WE DECIDE IT'S HIGH TIME FOR MCDONALDS FRIES. OF COURSE WE'RE DRUNK BY THE TIME WE GET TO THE CAR SO WE NEED TO CALL UP BRENT'S GIRLFRIEND TO DRIVE US TO MCDONALDS. ONCE THERE WE'RE REALLY DRUNK AND I JUMP OUT OF THE CAR AND CLIMB UP THE ROOF OF THE MCDONALDS AND START RUNNING AROUND AND SCREAMING DOWN THOSE BIG METAL PIPES THAT STICK OUT OF THE CEILING AND I CAN HEAR THE EMPLOYEES DOWN BELOW SAYING THINGS LIKE 'WHO IS THAT?!" AND SOUNDING ALL CONCERNED AND MEANWHILE BRENT & BAR ARE IN THE CAR IN THE DRIVE-THRU LANE WONDERING IF THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE TO COME GET ME.

ANYWAY I COME BACK DOWN AND GET IN THE CAR AND BRENT ROLLS DOWN HIS WINDOW AND THE MCDONALD DUDE GIVES HIM HIS FOOD AND IS LIKE "SAY BUDDY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CRAZY DUDE RUNNING AROUND ON THE ROOF?"

AND I SIT BOLT UPRIGHT AND LEAN FORWARD INTO THE FRONT AND I START SAYING VERY LOUDLY "NO BUT I WILL FIND THAT MOTHERFUCKER IF YOU JUST GIVE US THESE FRIES FOR FREE. JUST GIVE THEM TO US FOR FREE AND I'LL GET ON THE ROOF SO QUICKLY IT'LL MAKE YOUR ASS CRACK AND I'LL FIND THAT GODDAMNED SONOFABITCH AND I'LL MAKE HIM PAY!!" AND I'VE TOTALLY FORGOTTEN IT WAS ME ON THE ROOF AND THE MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEE IS LIKE "UHH, NO THAT'S OKAY!!" AND I'M LIKE "NO! NO! YOU GIVE US THOSE FRIES FOR FREE AND I'LL GET ON THE ROOF AND CATCH THAT DIRTY ROTTEN BASTARD OF A MAN AND I'LL -" AND THE MCDONALDS GUY IS LIKE "NO! NO! IT'S OKAY! IT'S OKAY! IT'S OKAY!" AND I'M LIKE "NO! YOU DON'T GET IT!" AND BRENT DRIVES OFF AND WE SAIL HOME INTO THE SUNSET AND THEN THE NEXT MORNING I HAVE TO WATCH THE VIDEO OF IT (WHICH BAR CONVENIENTLY TOOK) BEFORE I REMEMBER WHAT WAS GOING ON.

superomega posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 4:11:58 pm

i need to see this video.

hc4thehc posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 4:19:07 pm

zine
video
world tour

the lot

THE LOT!!

iechyd posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 4:19:10 pm

howard roark posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 4:19:23 pm

This is all going in my zine....i should be taking pre-orders.

Lucas posted this on November 25th, 2005 @ 6:17:50 pm

duuude that bus one rules

rambisibmar posted this on November 26th, 2005 @ 2:29:07 am

my best story of the mcdonald's drivethru is as follows. i had done several ativans and xanaxs and was completely fucked up. yet for some reason i was driving around. i ended up at mcdonalds, im not even sure why. my friend matt is talking to me on the phone and i mention i am at mcdonalds. he is smoking weed and desperately wants me to get him some kind of milkshake, or something. he says he will smoke a bowl with me if i take it to his house. i tell him no, and we hang up. but a minute or so later, i call him back im i am like "DUDE, look i will bring that to you - and we will smoke a bowl". so i go in the drivethru and order it for him. i get to the first window, and i pay. after this i have no regolection until when ive driving down his super curving road with double-vision bringing him his shake. i get to his house and begin to grab it to hand it to him. but its not fucking there! apparently i skipped the second window and went to his house. so i just take a hit of his weed and start to drive home, but a few seconds later i have to pull over and vomit. then i continue driving home ...and rest of memory lost forever

joshmay posted this on November 26th, 2005 @ 2:49:46 am

A++++

ATF posted this on November 26th, 2005 @ 6:44:16 am

"MY REEDS! MY FUCKING REEDS!"

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

and omg that cindy story was fucking golden.

davesecretary posted this on November 26th, 2005 @ 3:39:50 pm

MORE TO COME ON MONDAY WHEN I'M BACK IN THE OFFICE

SUFFICE IT TO SAY I'M HAVING A FUCKING BLAST THIS WEEKEND!!!! HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING A KILLER TIME!

springbreakforever posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 12:52:16 pm

i was laughing so hard with those last stories that my roomate ran into my room because he thought i was crying hysterically or something. and i'm like no, no, it's these fucking amazing stories!

davesecretary posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:32:37 pm

ALRIGHT STILL NO STORIES, THIS WEEKEND IS TREATING ME SO WELL!!

HERE'S A PICTURE MY MOM SENT ME A FEW DAYS RIGHT AFTER MY BIRTHDAY LAST SUMMER

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THIS WILL HAVE TO DO FOR NOW!

ALSO A GOOD LINE FROM LAST NIGHT'S PRACTICE:

SO WE SHOW UP AND START SETTING UP GEAR, AND THEN STEVE SAYS 'DOES ANYONE WANT ANY HOT CHOCOLATE?' AND BRENT SAYS 'THAT SOUNDS GOOD, DID YOU MAKE SOME?' AND STEVE SAYS 'NO... ACTUALLY I DON'T THINK WE EVEN HAVE ANY IN THE HOUSE'

davesecretary posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:37:10 pm

OH ALSO INTERESTING FOR TODAY, IN JANUARY I WENT SOUTH TO GO SURF DESPITE THERE BEING NO WAVES AND THIS ONE DAY AT LIKE 5:30AM THIS RANDOM WOMAN ASKED IF SHE COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF ME AND ASKED FOR MY EMAIL ADDRESS AND THEN THIS MORNING, LIKE 10 MONTHS LATER SHE SENT ME THE PICTURE. WEEEIRD!

springbreakforever posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:38:42 pm

post the picture!

davesecretary posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:43:17 pm

it's not very good. the sun is in my eyes and i'm squinting and i look kind of perplexed.

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springbreakforever posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:49:12 pm

that looks like florida, where is that?

davesecretary posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 1:53:37 pm

south carolina. the water is still freezing but you can totally surf without a wetsuit provided you keep your head above water

superomega posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 2:05:23 pm

"SURF'S UP!"

howard roark posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 2:19:18 pm

dave, still sending me pics of you along with some basic info?? take your time...just want to make sure that theyre coming sooner or later.

Jaron posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 3:47:03 pm

the story about cindy and the bus is the best thing i have ever read.

clitinthepit posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 5:32:48 pm

HAHAHAHAHAHA the bus story just destroyed me with awesomeness.

I need to catch up.

clitinthepit posted this on November 27th, 2005 @ 5:36:36 pm

HAHAHAH i love your dad's instant reaction to punc